LULLABIES for MOMMY

Hairclip

2011-09-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

So it has come to THIS? I have nothing else to say about THIS.

Just that THIS is what it has come to.

BUSTED

2011-02-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

Look it was just for a minute. 3 minutes max. I could see them the whole time and my windows were cracked and the doors locked! My car even has an alarm! They were both sleeping! Everyone knows you do not wake a sleeping child! I didn’t think I needed to wake them up, drag them out of the car and lug them both into the 7-Eleven for a 3-minute errand. Do you know how many errands my Mom ran with me while I slept in the car? And I certainly wasn’t strapped into a car seat while she did it. I was probably lying on the floorboard with a can of Tab and an empty Virginia Slim carton. Things were so different back then. My Mom told me that until I was 11 months old I slept in a drawer! A drawer! Is that legal? Can I put my kids to sleep in a drawer? I can? Can I close the drawer? Listen I do not endanger my kids! I’m a good Mom. I love them, I feed them, I occasionally take them to music classes. What more do you want? Excuse me? What do I want for my last meal? This is ridiculous. But since you asked; broccoli. I want broccoli and ice cream. Yeah I know it sounds weird but have you ever nursed a baby after you’ve eaten broccoli and ice cream? Well..since I obviously won’t be nursing my baby tonight…

I hope I have enough frozen milk. Seriously how long is this going to take? Are you going to keep me overnight? Wait a minute. This could be good. I don’t need much. A cot and a blanket will be fine. Do you have a white noise machine? Oh man my boobs are getting full. I don’t suppose you have a breast pump lying around. I usually have mine with me. I carry it in a suitcase. It always looks like I’m headed to the airport! I wish! Do you have kids? Well congratulations, I hope the rest of her pregnancy goes well.

I’m gonna tell you a secret. Parenting is hard but you know what’s harder? CO-PARENTING! Holy fucking shit, excuse my language, but seriously, men and women were not meant to co-parent. Men were meant to go to work and women were meant to raise the kids. Not anymore, now men work from home and never leave the house! WTF? I can’t parent my kids while your milling around the house in your sweat pants. Go away. And let me tell you something, his way is never right. It just isn’t. If I left it to him the kids would never bathe, they would all have broken bones and the diaper genie would be overflowing! I had to give him an audio tour of the kid’s room, not to mention the kitchen. Here’s a hint: It’s not emptying the dishwasher if you just empty it onto the counter. And you don’t get credit for putting the kids clothes away if you put them away in the baby’s crib! I mean seriously does he even know what diapers.com is? NO! Because he’s never purchased a diaper in his life! Size 4, they wear size 4!

I’m sure your situation will be different. I mean you obviously don’t work from home so…I’m sorry, this is really upsetting me. I haven’t cried in a long time. Well that’s not true. I cried last week. Turns out you CAN actually cry over spilled milk. WHEN IT’S YOUR OWN! Remember in college when you bought a bag of coke and had it all cut up out on the mirror and your roommate came over and sneezed and within seconds you were down on the floor sniffing it from the carpet like a homeless dog behind a restaurant, remember that? No? C’mon, I won’t tell anyone. Well OK, me neither, this is obviously a hypothetical! But I IMAGINE this is what I looked like when I spilled 4 oz of freshly expressed breast milk in my office breakroom and my first instinct was to lick it off the counter. It took me 20 minutes to pump those 4 measly ounzes! 20 minutes! I’m a low producer. So low I have to take a pill to help boost my milk supply. It’s called Domperidone, no, it’s not champagne. Of course it’s legal, although I DO have to order it from Canada.

None of this would be a problem if I could just stay home with the kids! Look I’m all for women’s lib but my job is just a job not a passion. I do it for the health insurance and that pisses me off! There should be a health plan for stay at home moms! What is wrong with this country? I know I can buy my own plan but do you know how much it costs to cover me? Over $400 a month because in 1872 I had some skin cancer removed! Pre-existing bullshit! I just went back to work. 2 years I have been home with my kids, two years! It feels so weird. It’s hard. Not as hard as being with them 24-7 but different I guess. I feel so busy, like I am always trying to get somewhere. Just getting out of the house in the mornings is enough to make your head spin. And then when I do get to work I am always looking at the clock and feeling myself up. Is it time to pump, can I get away? And then I have to eat lunch at some point right? After lunch I gotta pump again and then, shit I gotta go so I can pick them up at daycare. I pick them up and then it’s play, dinner, bath, and God willing ni ni time. Holy shit just saying it out loud is exhausting me! I should take the bus, then maybe I could nap on my commute.

I miss them. I miss navigating through their day. Watching them discover things for the first time. I even miss the whining a little. At first I thought it was whining but now I realize it’s a little mantra: “I want it, I want it, I want it!” I think they're totally tapping into the power of manifestation. I mean let’s face it, every time they repeat this mantra they do in fact get whatever it is they want. Wise kids.

Are you gonna handcuff me at any point? I just had this thought that if you did it might actually make me feel sexy. I haven’t felt sexy in a long time. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re still wearing maternity clothes. It’s been 9 months, well, 2 years and 9 months, what can I say?

Listen, don’t get sucked into all the latest fad toys OK. It will just cost you money and trust me, your kid will be happiest with a Tupperware bowl and a spatula. Have you seen the singamajig? The singamajig. No it’s called the singamajig! It’s a doll, it sings? Well, anyway, it’s bizarre! And it costs $13.99! But everyone raves about it. I bought one for each kid and it scares the shit out of them. $27.98 down the drain!

I promised myself I would NEVER say the things I’m about to say but listen to me very closely: Take trips, go to movies – 3 in one day if you can, eat breakfast in bed, sleep in, learn Japanese, do it all before your baby comes! I have never in my life wanted to pull off the 405 and run up one of those grassy green hills by the Skirball Center just for the hell of it, until now! Now that I CAN’T!!!

And there’s one more thing you should know: it’s not called babysitting if you are the dad! If you get that straight I think you’ll be OK.

Do I get a phone call?

Are you there God? It’s Me Shannon

2011-02-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

As performed at Expressing Motherhood LA Jan. 2011...

(singing to my toddler)

"I like to ooot ooot ooot oooples and banooonoos...I like to ooot ooot ooot oooples and banooonoos..."

Mommy has to go potty. Oh I know it’s so hard. I’ll be right back. And we’ll sing some more. It’s OK. Mommy will be right back. I know, I know. Booker’s mad. He’s so mad. He says NO MOMMY no go to the potty mommy. Mommy will be right back. No sweetie don’t climb in the play pen, I don’t want you to climb in the play pen honey. That’s for little brother. See little brother? On your butt. Can you sit on your butt? No? Booker’s so mad, he’s so mad. He says I want to climb in the play pen, I really want to climb in the play pen. Grrrrrrrr. How ‘bout we count, can you count til Mommy gets back? 1.2.3. No? You don’t wanna count?

OH FUCK IT! Just cry. I’ve gotta pee.

(I head to bathroom, close the door and lock it and then I kneel down to pray)

Dear Lord in Heaven,

You gotta help me out here. I am this close to an anonymous drop off at Cedar Sinai. How do people do it? I see other mommies that look like they have no problem but I’m a wreck Lord, I don’t know what to do? I don’t know who I am any more. I think I used to be sort of cute and maybe at least a little fun to be around. I know that in the past if someone or something had peed on me I would have at least changed my shirt. Now I just spray it with Febreeze.

And Lord, I’m losing a lot of hair. No one told me my hair would fall out. It’s bad enough I’ve started dressing like a camp counselor but am I gonna go bald too? My husbands gonna love that.

Do you know what he did yesterday Lord? He literally left me a post it that said I NEED SEX. No foreplay, no romance, just a post it note. Does he think I’m going to respond to that? When I do have sex with him my mind goes bananas. All I can think about is how to rearrange my living room to make room for more toys. With every thrust I change the position of the couch at least twice, is that so bad?

And Lord, please forgive me, but I cannot speak toddlerese. I really love Harvey Karp, I do, but I’m convinced that I have the unhappiest toddler on the block. I think the book is geared more towards little girls right? Nowhere in there does it talk about how little boys just wanna bang on shit all day long! Hard. They bang really hard. Glass, wood, my face; it doesn’t matter, they just bang bang bang bang!

I’ve tried time-ins, time-outs, hand checks, the “fast food” technique. I think actual fast food would work better. Chicken nuggets and fries would probably buy me a smooth diaper change. What is it with the diaper changes? I am wiping his ass, why is he kicking me in the face? Someone told me that I should change him standing up because when I lay him down he feels like a little baby. Well, the thing is Lord, he is a little baby and I can’t wipe his poopy butt when he is running around my living room. This morning I had to straddle him, sing a song and give him a cookie; I still got poop in my fingernails.

I have a question? Why would we call anything hand, foot, mouth disease? It sounds horrible. I mean we don’t call a cold; yellow, green, flem disease, we just say; a cold. And the scientific name for it is Coxsackie! Really? Coxsackie! Uggg.

I know it sounds like I’m not grateful but really Lord I am. There are many things I love about being a mom. Mainly that birthday parties start at 10am. This is a great idea considering that by 10 I’ve been up for about 6 hours and could really use a party.

I’m having a hard time being a good wife God. I don’t have time to be sensitive to my husbands needs. I’m terrible. People say, “you’ve really gotta take care of your man, he gets neglected when the babies come.” Oh Really? Boo hoo! What about me? I get neglected. I have one kid sucking the life out of me, hanging off my nipple and the other hanging off the balcony where does that leave me? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been nursing the baby and had to run across the playground with my boob hanging out to get my oldest to stop throwing sand. My dignity is out the window!

And Lord, I have to confess; I do use the TV as a crutch. If I need to cook breakfast or wash dishes I turn it on. If Booker’s first hero is DJ Lance Rock is that so bad? I’m in survival mode! Whatever gets me through the day.

Do you remember the Tasmanian devil cartoons? You know the devil that spins around and creates a little tornado wherever he goes? That’s my son. I’m supposed to call it “spirited.” But I looked up Tasmanian Devil on Wikipedia and it said: Taz was best known for his speech consisting mostly of grunts, growls and whines; CHECK and his ability to spin and bite through just about anything. CHECK. I love my little guy. He’s courageous and fun. He explores everything and it melts my heart. It’s just that he’s non-stop and with the new baby, well it’s pretty hard to handle them both. The only alone time I get with the little one is in the middle of the night when he has somehow managed to snuggle up under my arm and nurse my unshaven armpit! How does he get there?

I pretty sure that Booker hates me anyway. He never eats the food I cook for him. I’ve breaded asparagus and dipped it in honey, made zucchini muffins with chocolate! I can’t get him to eat anything but puffs. Not like the Dugger kids. I think they eat organic vegetables from their own garden!

Can we talk about the Duggers for a minute? I’m sure you know them; they’re the family on the “19 Kids and Counting” show! They LOVE you. I know people make fun of these shows and these people but I really dig the Duggers. Mrs. Dugger is always so happy and bright. I wanna be like that. Maybe MORE kids is the answer! If I had 17 older kids to help with the two youngest I think I could be happy and bright too. Or maybe I should just move to Europe. My girlfriend always says, “If we were parenting in Europe would this really be an issue? “ And generally, the answer is NO. Plus they get to drink wine all day and that is something I am totally behind.

Everyone says, “enjoy your kids that they grow up so fast.” HA. This I the slowest thing I’ve done in my entire life! I don’t have to tell you that I spend most of the day praying for bedtime!

Maybe the problem is I’m just totally outnumbered Lord. My husband, the dog and our two boys. It’s like a methane gas factory in there. I need a girl. They seem so much easier. There clothes are cuter, they smell sweeter and they can just sit for extended periods of time and play with one toy. I was in a playgroup once with mostly little girls and they had a play date at the library!

I know you’ve heard all this stuff a million times Lord but what’s the catch? How do mothers do it? How will I make it through the next…30 years!

***(Crash/baby crying SOUND FX)***

Oh God! That does not sound good.

I gotta go but thanks for listening Lord. You’re the only adult I’ve talked to today and I feel much better.

Oh, before I go, please forgive me for calling my husband a mother fucker. I mean technically that is what he is, but I didn’t mean it that way and I’m sorry. AMEN.

(Leaving the bathroom, pulling a pacifier out of her cleavage)

Shit! I totally forgot to pee!

WHY'D YOU RING MY DOORBELL UPS GUY?

2011-01-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

Upcoming Show!

2011-01-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

I'm honored to once again be a part of

EXPRESSING MOTHERHOOD

Last year's show sold out so get your tickets early. We open this Friday at the Lillian Theatre in Hollywood!

Come see 12 moms tell their very different stories. Hilarious and heartbreaking all in one.

There's wine and a food truck!!

If I don't make you laugh at least once I will buy you a drink and change your kid's diaper!

Click the link below for Showtimes, Directions, and Tickets!

EXPRESSING MOTHERHOOD

Gawbage Truck

2011-01-12T10:58:00.001-08:00

Who knew that watching 'the big gawbage truck' with my 2yr old could bring me just the peace I needed this morning! Sometimes you just gotta stop and watch the gawbage.

Bumper Stickers

2011-01-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

I'd rather be Mommying.

My other car is a Trike.

Working Mama

2011-01-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

Today I went back to work for the first time in two years! I have a lot to say about it but I will start with this: Eating puffs and playing "build the lego tower, knock it down" is UNDERRATED. Oh and one more thing: pumping while driving to work is FOR THE BIRDS!!! Much better to pump in the dressing room of the theatre. Thank GOD I work in a theatre. The lighting is so much better than in a typical bathroom. And let's face it, anything that can make pumping more enjoyable and/or glamourous is worth it's weight in vanity lights!

I am not a exhibitionist. This is just the way it is right now. I am constantly attached to this machine. Wacko Wacko Wacko.

Ruching

2010-12-24T21:09:00.001-08:00

Ruching; my new best friend!

If anyone's napping IT'S ME!

2010-12-21T14:04:00.001-08:00

Honey I love you but...I did not take the kids to the indoor playground in the torrential downpour on the heaviest day of my period so that YOU could take a nap! Are you kidding me?

Own Your Kids Colds

2010-12-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

Listen, all kids get sick! No big deal really. But if you KNOW your kid is sick please don't pretend that this is the FIRST time he has coughed all day and that the yellow, green gook pouring from his nose is a total shocker for you! We all know that you've been cooped up in your house with a sick kid for 3 days and HAD to get out. We've been there too, OWN IT!

2010-12-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

The first bite is the hardest! 1st tooth + breastfeeding = Owwwwie!

2010-10-04T13:15:00.001-07:00

2010-07-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

Ahhh life with two babies! Parties start at 10:30 am now that we have kids...what more could you ask for?

This isn't me. My legs have never looked that good. This is my friend Stella Blue. Her name is actually Dara but her e-mail has the words Stella and Blue in it and I like the Grateful Dead so I call her Stella. She's fine with it. Notice the two bottles of wine on the party table? Kids birthday parties are very fun.

We have a new baby!

2010-07-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

We have an addition to our little family. Riley McEwan Webb was born May 16, 2010 in the comfort of our home. We had a wonderful team of midwives, doulas, friends and family and all went well. We are so blessed to have another happy and healthy baby boy!

2010-04-22T21:08:00.001-07:00

14 months postpartum I've finally figured out that the best time and place for me to blow my nose is when I'm already on the toilet. In fact, it's best if I'm there whenever I sneeze, laugh or cough.

2010-02-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

EXPRESSING MOTHERHOOD Los Angeles, January 2010

Here's my piece from this incredible show.

I had such a wonderful time sharing and learning with everyone involved!

It's good to be a mommy.

http://vimeo.com/9581025

2010-01-07T20:14:00.001-08:00

I'm honored to be a part of this year's LA production of EXPRESSING MOTHERHOOD.

Along with 14 other women I will be performing a piece I have written about um let's see, the last 11 months! :) I promise at least one laugh from my personal piece!

If you are in LA and are a Mommy or have a Mommy, I KNOW you will enjoy this equally hilarious and heartbreaking show.

TWO WEEKENDS only. Jan 8-10 and 15-17.

Here's a link to all the goodies: http://www.expressingmotherhood.com/

2009-12-10T09:48:00.001-08:00

I co-sleep with my baby monitor. I snuggle it. I rub it's forehead. I sing lullabies to it if it squirms. I have considered nursing it.

2009-11-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

When you visit the Grandparents you kinda have to throw your "I'm raising an organic baby" ideas out the window! I mean let's face it, what baby DOESN'T love a deep fried, salty potato chip?

2009-09-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

Retrospect: Don't get the iphone app that keeps track of your breastfeedings. Seems cool at first like anything that is addictive but it breeds anxiety and dare I say neurosis. Just trust your boobs, your baby and yourself and GO WITH THE FLOW. Pun intended!

2009-08-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

I like to oot ooples and banoonoos too.

2009-07-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

"The more we get together, together, together the more we get together, the happier we'll be ‘Cause your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends The more we get together the happier we'll be." AMEN!

2009-07-06T09:53:00.001-07:00

You say tomato, I say tomato, you say night shift, I say night shift!

2009-06-22T19:39:00.001-07:00

Just when I was feeling my lowest, doubting all of my new Mom skills and about to weep, I turned the corner and saw this on my walk around the Silverlake resevoir. Mind you, this is the only piece of graffiti I've ever seen on any part of this walk. In fact tomorrow I'm gonna make sure that I didn't imagine it!

I was inspired to post this after reading a really great graffiti story about Lake Austin. Check out this amazing blog:

http://txmomof3.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/follow-your-heart/

2009-06-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

Right when you cross one bridge you come across another. It's almost as if every two weeks you get a new baby.

2009-06-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

I learned pretty quickly that you can only take so much advice and then you just have to find your own way. The advice I like best all has to do with increasing my "milk supply;"

1) drink beer

2) eat oatmeal with maple syrup

3) eat oatmeal cookies with brewer's yeast

4) drink more beer.

These I can do!

2009-06-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

After posting that I thought my pump was saying "Wacko, Wacko, Wacko" during the expression phrase other mommies told me theirs said the following:

Asshole, Asshole, Asshole

Lacto, Lacto, Lacto

Black Hole, Black Hole, Black Hole

Smell my feet, Smell my feet, Smell my feet

Three Kittens, Three Kittens, Three Kittens

2009-06-20T09:08:00.001-07:00

Sleep deprivation? I have no idea what you're talking about.

2009-06-19T11:18:00.001-07:00

I just got the "micro-management lecture" from my husband. Doh!

2009-06-19T10:36:00.001-07:00

OK baby's napping. What should I do? What should I do? Sleep, make breakfast, laundry, potty break? What do I do, what do I do? Ummm...maybe I should check my e-mails but I really need to put my clothes away. I should go to the bathroom. Maybe I could make some cookies...wt? Oh man. Gotta go, baby's awake.

2009-06-18T21:51:00.001-07:00

" I used to be able to read whole books, now I can't even take the time to read directions. "

-William's Mommy

2009-06-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

I have officially OD'd on GOOGLE and am banning myself for a week, that's right a whole week. What ever will I do? How will I know what "it" means?

2009-06-18T18:10:00.001-07:00

Sometimes a baby's just bein' a baby.

2009-06-17T21:17:00.001-07:00

Cooing! Oh sweet cooing. Need I say more?

2009-06-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm not the only new Mom who has threatened to get a divorce, take the baby and move back home.

2009-06-10T20:56:00.001-07:00

Can someone PLEASE tell me what exactly "through the night" means?

2009-06-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

I spend about half the day wondering what to do and if I'm doing things right. At about 2pm it occurs to me that all I can do is do my best.

2009-06-09T21:31:00.001-07:00

It's quite possible that there is nothing more relaxing than rocking your child after he falls asleep.

2009-06-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a new mom's club. It meets at 3am in my driveway. BYOB.

2009-06-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure my pump is saying "wacko, wacko, wacko" during the expression phase.

2009-06-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

My friend Mary Kay referred to "the mommy forehead rub" and I knew what she meant.

2009-06-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

Who knew you could go to the bathroom with a baby on your knee.

2009-06-06T09:35:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just have to reinsert the pacifier.

2009-05-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

Today I met the perfect Mom. She said that the word "hard" never entered her mind while she was raising her baby. Seriously?

2009-05-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

Today I met a woman who said her 2 month old slept through the night...I punched her in the face.